We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have fence marks all over my body
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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