The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
