Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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