I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
