Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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