Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
