go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
