my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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