Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
