just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
