So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
