Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
