Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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