How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
