I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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