Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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