just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize