You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
