If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
BRING THE BAGELS
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
