I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
