i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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