she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize