So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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