I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
