you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
