Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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