i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
