This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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