why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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