he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize