Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
