I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
