I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
