i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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