whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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