Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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