Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
