I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
