I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
