Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize