and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
