haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
