Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
