you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
