I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
