Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
