And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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