There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
