the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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