at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
