New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
