So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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