Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
