I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize