nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
