I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
