i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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