Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
