i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
