The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize