Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
